Sleep  Paralysis and The Experience of Grief

Reflection by Karen Liebold, L.C.P.C.

I have struggled with sleep paralysis for many years. It is a terrifying experience each and every time. It is living in the ‘in- between’ dream states and awake. My brain has told my body to sleep and to stay still-my muscles paralyzed and unable to move. I feel like a solid rock unable to move or speak. Then my body decides it wants to awake but it cannot move-I linger in the in-between and then the terror starts-like a deep sense of danger-dread. Something is always coming after me in these terrors. I try to escape it, but I literally cannot move my body or speak. I am aware of what is happening in the moment but cannot do anything about my situation. I try to scream and eventually I do-and then once that happens my body moves and I am jolted awake. My body usually shakes, heart racing and I usually clasp my head or chest. Extreme relief that the nightmare is over. I am fine, no harm done, I do not fear sleeping again, I understand the physiology of what just happened, I  know it’s part of my life. I’m grateful it doesn’t happen on the regular.

Terrifying, right? Scientists have different theories of what might cause sleep paralysis in 30% of the population but there is no ‘one’ reason. Extreme stress and grief can cause sleep paralysis. Have you experienced it? Have you found yourself caught in this in-between sleep and awake states and feel haunted by dread and danger?

I think sleep paralysis is grief living in our bodies trying to be worked out. Even if you have never experienced sleep paralysis in your grief, I wonder if you have felt the ‘in-between’ states of ‘awake to your new reality’ without your loved one versus a ‘dream state of memories and unfilled dreams’?  This is what grief does, it puts us in this terrifying state of the middle. We go into the depth of grief-that may include dread and fear of danger. How will we move through, what does the now and future hold without our love?

Grief often feels like you cannot move. Some call this a state of shock. It’s often the first six months after the death. But this sense of not wanting or knowing how to move forward can last much longer. We go through life as a robot-just making it through the day in an altered state of fog and ‘dream-like’ state. Our brains have told our body to rest and it kinda goes on auto-pilot for our survival.

The sense of dread and danger is real and is scary. It can haunt your days and nights. Our world has been upturned, shattered and the future is unsure. There is no awakening and no amount of screaming to snap us out of this reality. At least in sleep paralysis, it only lasts minutes then the body awakes and there is relief it’s over. But in grief, our screaming may lead to more screaming, more tears, more confusion and exhaustion.

If you find yourself in these grief places, please know you are not alone. The terror of your new life without your loved one will change in intensity. You will find your screaming, tears, fear, confusion and exhaustion will change. Healthy grief demands a constant fluctuation of the pain of grief and then us integrating back into life-finding purpose and meaning. Finding legacy and ways to carry our loved one with us and living out their legacy. We daily must go back and forth navigating the in-between. If we get stuck in either side-dream state or grief-terror state we end up paralyzed.

If you are finding yourself stuck in your grief on either side-please seek support. Take care of yourself by slowing down or getting involved in something that will bring you life.  The constant flux of the ‘in-between’ states does not last forever, but becomes something like a well-worn jacket, sometimes we need to put it on.