Is it just me or does anybody else have conflicting feelings on Memorial Day?

We celebrate for having a day off and celebrate with picnics and food but it was intended to be a day to remember those who died during their service to our country.

Memorial Day was once called Decoration Day, a day to decorate the graves of loved ones, march in parades to honor their lives and a time to celebrate their lives. Every Memorial day, I find myself wrestling with this conflict, do I celebrate and enjoy life for a day or do I spend the day remembering those who died and feeling sad and allow grief to come. Can I do both in the same day? How do I do both in the same day? Then it dawns on me that this is the way of life when you are grieving. You must continue to live life while you remain in grief. It is a complex way to go about life and it is the way of grief.

I believe one of the best ways to do this complex ‘grief living’ is by ritual. Memorial Day is filled with beautiful and meaningful rituals. When I attend a Memorial Day parade, I struggle with tears as I stand to honor those who served in the military or the first line responders. On steamy hot May days in the Midwest, living heroes continue to serve and march in parades to honor those who died in service. I am a mix of emotions, feeling both pride and sadness, clapping and cheering while wiping away my tears as I watch them march in front of me and my children. I tell my children about the sacrifice these men and women made and often continue to make to serve others. We need to respect and honor them. It’s only one day and I often wonder does this one day, this one ritual make a difference.

Dr. Ken Doka, a leading grief theorist, talks about creating grief rituals for aiding the bereaved through the grief process. Doka describes rituals as acts of significance providing structure and offers opportunity to contain and express emotion. Rituals allow a community to come together to witness and interpret an event. ( Doka, Disenfranchised Grief, pg. 136)

Grievers can utilize several categories of rituals during their mourning process.

In this post we will just address one: Rituals of Continuity.

Rituals of continuity are rituals providing grievers the opportunity to acknowledge and remember the impact of the deceased person’s life on others. These are the rituals we see the most on television or take part in, like the Memorial Day Parade. Other wonderful continuity rituals are 5K runs/walks or awards ceremony. These are fantastic ways to allow time for us to remember and honor the person who died.

A grief ritual is intended to provide you a safe place to grieve and a time to take care of yourself.

Creating rituals can be a valuable tool to use when you are grieving.

If you find yourself needing something to help you process through your grief, try creating a ritual for yourself that will provide a place for you to express your feelings and thoughts and will provide meaning to you.

A grief ritual is intended to provide you a safe place to grieve and a time to take care of yourself.

Create Your Own Grief Ritual

Here are some general ritual ideas that you can take and personalize them to make them meaningful to you:

Light a candle everyday at the same time and say a prayer or thought. Can also get a battery-operated candle and turn it on every day.

Take a walk around the block and think of your loved one and special memories of when you walked together

Get a tatoo

Do something that your loved one would love for you to do for yourself.

Do something that your loved one did

Visit with your loved one’s friends or family

Visit the grave

Create a 5K walk/run or create a scholarship fund in honor of your loved one

Create a boat out of sticks and release it down a stream

The grief ritual you create must be personal and meaningful to you.

Disclaimer: This blog post provides general educational information from a mental health professional, but you should not substitute information on this blog for individual professional advice. If you are thinking of hurting yourself or someone else, contact the National Suicide Prevention Hotline: 1-800-273-8255, call 911 or visit your local hospital Emergency Room.